This is an excerpt from my Biblical Journal. This entry is from 9/20/21 at 2:36am with a few additions to “set the scene,” and establish the tone, as my journaling did not account for every second of the encounters.

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While in the shower last night, I heard God say “Ask the hard questions.” I thought that He was referring to an upcoming situation but then I soon learned that He was giving me permission to ask Him the hard questions. [Immediately, I asked…”Why did my dad die?” And He responded, “Because I needed him.” The tears began to fall. “You needed him”, I repeated, but it was more of a question than a statement. I was trying to confirm what I’d heard God say. “Yes,” He replied. At that moment, Antonio walked into the room. It is always my preference to converse with God in private, so I stopped asking questions, gathered myself and laid down with a million thoughts in my head. I was hoping that God would be willing to continue our conversation in the morning. For those that know me, you know that at the time I was waking at 4am every morning; now at 5:30am, to have uninterrupted time with God. I sacrifice sleep, so that I can spend time with my Father and not worry about any interferences. You can imagine though that I didn’t get much sleep that night. God woke me around 2:30 to finish our conversation; apparently He was just as eager as I. I grabbed my journal, tipped into the guest room and after prayers began to continue my conversation with my Father.]

Me: Why did my dad die? [I asked again because I wanted to ensure that I heard correctly the night before.]

God: Because I needed him.

Me: Did you need him more than me?

God: Yes

[I’m crying uncontrollably at this point; I grabbed my journal and asked, “God, do you mind if I take note of our conversation,” I didn’t want to forget this, but I don’t think that I ever can. I thank God for giving me permission. My questions are in the pink ink, and His responses in blue. After writing out the first two questions and answers, I went back to my questions.]

Me: Why does it hurt me so bad?

God: Guilt from unforgivingness.

Me: Why do I feel guilty?

God: Because you loved him and you’re a good person.

Me: Did he love me?

God: Of course.

Me: Why didn’t he show it well?

God: Fear of failure.

Me: Why didn’t he love me? [Yes, God had just told me that my dad loved me, but who hasn’t asked the same question in a different way to see if they would get the same answer? I wanted to be sure, but really I just wanted to hear again, that my dad loved me.]

God: He loved you.

Me: Was I not enough?

God: You are more than enough. You are MY child.

Me: Didn’t he know how his actions could effect me?

God: No, he didn’t.

Me: I looked, and I waited for him.

God: He looked and waited for you.

[I then went back to journaling, not speaking aloud; tears falling, a snot filled nose, and blurred vision. I was a complete mess.] No child should ever feel that their father doesn’t love/want them. No child should experience abuse from a person that “steps up” to be a parent. No child should have to wonder why their father won’t come and save them. No child should sit back and wonder why their father is loving and caring for other children and not them. No child should sit and wonder what they did to deserve their unfair life. “Is it because I used bad words,” [one of the questions I would ask myself as a child, trying to find justification for the things I felt. It was then that I had a ‘moment of clarity’. Now, talking aloud again, I asked…]

Me: So Father, I wonder, was/am I angry at You, my Heavenly Father, or my earthly father?

God: Both.

[Now my emotions are all over the place. All this time. Twenty plus years I had been angry at both and I had no idea. I knew I was angry with my dad, but it wasn’t until this very moment that I realized that all along I’d also been angry with God. All of the questions that I asked God, as it related to my dad were also directed to Him; Did He (God) love me? Why didn’t He (God) show it well? Was I not enough (for God)? I looked and waited (for God), He looked and waited for me.]

[I then went back to journaling….]

I forgive You Lord. I forgive you Robert. It still hurts often, and I still cry at times, but I forgive. Lord I’m asking You to sanitize my heart of this pain, this unforgivingness, and this feeling of rejection. Help me to see the “blessing in the betrayal” Lord, and help me to move forward. I don’t want the heaviness of unforgivingness. I ask Father that You would forgive me for being angry with You and angry with my father. I heard God say, “You are forgiven.”

Prayer

Lord I want to thank You for allowing me to be vulnerable, open and direct with You. I thank You Lord for who You always have been, and always will be; even when I don’t understand in the moment. I ask Lord that You would sanitize my heart from past pains. Help me to only take from my past what You intended for me to learn. I don’t want to be bitter, I don’t want to be “torn up” about old things. You have made me to be such a force and I thank You. As I sit here and think and write, I am reminded that I am exactly in the place that I once prayed to be. You have done such an amazing work in my life Lord, and honestly, I’m just blessed to know You. I thank You for strengthening my faith, hope and love, and I love where you have me. I know that none of this is possible without You; the peace, the love, the husband, the children, the house, the car(s), the forgiveness….none of it. My Jehovah Father, I love You. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

-Your Peculiar Child

Keandra

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This is truly hard for me. I’m crying as I reread and type this entry. These are pains that I have sat with for roughly three quarters of my life. My dad and I had just started rebuilding our relationship a few years before his passing, but it still needed work. There were things that I wanted to ask/tell him, but I was always waiting for the right time. I never wanted to taint the times that we were together by “asking the hard questions”; I just wanted to “enjoy the moments”. For those that knew my dad, you know that he was an amazing person with such a beautiful heart. His relationship with God was admirable. He was an amazing grandfather. My sister and I always say it’s like he was making up for the past. Though I loved the way he treated and loved my girls I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit jealous that I didn’t get to experience that as a little girl myself. I don’t blame my dad alone for our missed relationship, I blame my mom as well, and she accepts the role she played, (I forgive her as well). I just wish I had the opportunity to tell my dad. I believe that he knew that I’d forgiven him, I just wish that I would have said it to him. I think about him often, and each time I cry from a very deep place in my heart. I think I’m still mourning the relationship that we never got to build. I cry for the little girl inside of me that secretly wished that her dad would pop up outside of her school one day, or ride pass just slow enough for her to see that he was “looking for her too”. Over the years I realized that my dad wasn’t a confrontational man, and I believe that’s why he stayed away. I know that my dad loved me, he told me constantly, and I hope he knows that I loved him as well. I don’t know who this is for, but I hope that it would encourage someone to fix what’s broken before it’s too late, even if that requires you to ask the hard questions.

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