It was about 4 a.m., and I was tired of walking around with a heavy heart and the weight of the world on my shoulders. I rolled out of bed, boiled a pot of water for a cup of tea, and grabbed my phone (bible app), notebook, planner, and a pen. I was eager and ready! I started with prayer, to ensure that my mind, heart, and spirit were in the right place, and that I understood the word as God had intended for me to. After praying for direction, I’d been drawn to proverbs 31. I’d been telling myself for months that I was going to sit down to read and study this scripture as I wanted to be a proverbs 31 woman.  I then began to read and study, to ensure that I understood what I was reading. Studying for me is reading the scripture in different versions (KJV, NIV, NLT); but this time I also read the ESV and NKJV. I then searched online to see how others interpreted it before I reread the KJV and NIV.

Verses 10-31 specifically is where my heart was pulled to, and within those verses, two of them in particular jump out at me; verses 12 & 18. Let me explain why these verses spoke to me the way they did. Verse 12 says “She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.”; what wife doesn’t want to bring good to their husband? If I could hand him sunshine and blue skies on a silver platter for breakfast every morning, I would. If I could go forever without occasionally working his nerves; of course I would, but I’m not perfect. Show me a perfect wife and I’ll show you a perfect lie. This scripture; only 14 words, had spoken to my soul. I figured, if I recite this daily, I could at least get on the road to a forever of no nerves working. All it takes is a start, and that’s what I decided to do. Verse 18 jumped out at me for a completely different reason. It states “She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night.”. On the first read, I immediately related it to my business; Soy Bougie, LLC. And when I say it was at that moment that I knew exactly what God was trying to tell me; It Was At That Moment. I had been trying to figure out for years how to connect my business and my faith, and here it was. If only I’d not procrastinated, I’d found it sooner.

This year I’ve faced some of the hardest moments in my life and every instance I’m left with “if only I’d done ‘this’ when God had initially put it on my heart”. So now I’m working on being better at that. I’m working on living a life of no more “what if’s”. I’m working on being a better person overall. Learning to match my thoughts with who I want to be. I no longer want to feel alone when I’m in a room full of people. I’m tired of faking my happiness; I want it to be real. How can someone with a happy marriage and a beautiful baby have to fake happiness? I have one word for you…Depression! For the longest, I was in denial that this evil little disease had snuck back into my life. Partly because it made me feel guilty; ‘Do I not love my baby?”, “Am I being ungrateful?”. Of course I love my baby; I love her with all of my heart. She brings me so much sunshine, but those grey clouds are never too far away. Depression is real, and after about 18 years of this battle, I’ve finally decided to handle it as I would handle any other illness; with treatment.

Depression is so common, but many of us hide it because we’re ashamed. We’re ashamed that it makes us look weak, so we don’t seek treatment. Well I’m here to tell you that running from it is what makes us look weak. Dealing with it is what takes courage, and that’s what I plan to do. Many people will say well why do you need therapy, just pray about it. Don’t you think that’s the first thing that I did. But I now understand the scripture James 2:26, because I have faith that I’ll be healed, but what works have I actually put in for healing. Praying only gets you so far, you have to apply some work to those prayers, which brings me to my next point; Faith Works!

I’d been working on renaming my business for some time now. I needed something that would represent more than luxury scented soy candles. So with the help of my husband, Faith Works was born. The name Faith Works is all-encompassing; 1. it’s to remind people that faith works, 2. it’s to encourage people that in addition to your faith, you must put in some work, because faith without works is dead, 3. to show people that I’m working in faith, and that my items are all works of faith.

So as you can see, I’m changing! I’m working and I’m growing, and I love it. With me coming into who God has intended for me to be, I also decided to cut my hair. This is something that I have wanted to do for years, but never had the courage to do. They say a woman who cuts her hair is about to change her life. Well, I’m changing my life! I chopped my hair as an expression of freedom; freedom of depression, freedom to be bold, and freedom to be beautiful. I allowed myself to evolve, & then I fell in love…with who I was, who I am, and who I am becoming.