They say that women tend to marry men that remind them of their fathers. Well for me, it jumped a few generations. I’ve lately come to realize that my husband is the epitome of my great grandfather. I never realized how much Antonio reminded me of my “granddad” until of recent. Many of the characteristics that I so loved and miss about my granddad, I found in my husband. It’s so crazy, but so dope at the same time.

I learned at a young age what depression was, as I battled with it daily after losing my granddad, and sure enough I learned how to manage and conquer depression once Antonio came into my life. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t immediately after meeting him that the depression just drifted away, but through our prayer and his patience I can say that I am in a better head space. I know it gets cliché at times, but I always tell people that I owe God my most humble thanks for bringing Antonio into my life. He’s quick to say that I changed him, but I’m a firm believer that we’ve changed one another. He has made me a better person as he’s challenged me to reevaluate a lot of things about myself.

I remember crying myself to sleep some nights thinking, “I’m never going to find someone that understands and accepts me. I’m going to be single forever.” I cried daily thinking about how much I missed my granddad and how he was the only man to ever just “get me”. He loved me beyond my faults. And now I get that same love from Antonio, an unconditional, unwavering, unchanging love. My granddad was my very first love, and now Antonio is my forever love. I’ve always wished that God would have allowed my granddad more time here with us. When he left, I felt alone. I felt like God had taken away the joy that He had given me, and I couldn’t understand what I had done to deserve that pain. It was a pain that I’d never felt before, and at merely 12 years old I didn’t know how to deal with that pain, so I begin to write. Writing was my outlet, the only way that I knew how to express myself. And then, on one not so ordinary day in my not so ordinary life, God sent me an angel. And from the very beginning, he has been a blessing to me. I then began to wonder, “What did I do to deserve this happiness…why me?” But then I asked, “Why not me,” maybe God is paying me back for that pain and heart ache I had felt for almost a decade after losing my granddad, and what better way to do it than to send me the man that reminds me of him. At one of my darkest hours, God sent me an angel from above…and then I fell in love.

A Letter to my Love

Dear Love,

You said you’d be here forever. Who’d think forever would end so soon. You didn’t even get to see me bloom. Now I’m a beautiful young lady. If only you could see. I think that I’m how you would want me to be. I’m smart in school, still good at dancing, but yet not found the one to romance me. I really wish you could see for yourself. If only you knew. Granddad, I really miss you.

Dedicated to Willie Carter circa 2002